30th
Gladiator Sandals Will Get You Laid: Here’s How
The Gladiator Sandal. I am still completely ambivalent about this trend. I have to say that I am thoroughly shocked that they have lived to see a second summer. But they are still here, and they are everywhere.
The ancient Romans wore these sandals while fighting, usually to the death, in public arenas. They strutted around in these things trying to win their freedom or save their lives.
Now, thousands of years later, they are worn by women, yet they are still about competition and showmanship. I must be blunt. These sandals are about sex.
Yes, sorry to say, but there is no reason to wear these showy shoes unless you are trying to get laid. Therefore I, along with my super-scientific research team, have come up with a guide to finding the optimal height of gladiator sandal to score.
1. The at the ankle shoe.
This shoe is cute. You may get a glance from across the room or a shy smile. But no one is going to approach someone so demure.
2. The inch above the ankle shoe.
Now you are getting the picture. You will start to get some attention with shoes of this height. You might even get an invitation for a lunch date or for coffee. But you are going home alone. Sorry, thanks for playing.
3. The 2 inches above the ankle shoe.
Okay, you are getting noticed now. You will turn a few heads, and some other girls will snicker at you behind your back. This is a good thing. It means you are doing something right and they are jealous. You will get some digits and someone will make a pass at you. But, just a warning, it’s probably not the person that you want to make a pass at you.
4. The 3 inches above the ankle shoe.
Ding ding ding! We have a winner. After reviewing numerous studies from my team of field researchers, I have concluded that this is the optimal gladiator height to find a (short-term) mate. You are a total glamazon. You are Giselle on a hot summer’s day in front of an open fire hydrant eating an ice cream cone and a burger from Carl’s Jr. Well done.
5. The 6 inches above the ankle shoe.
This is where things get tricky. At this height, you start to look a little desperate. I mean, 6 inch above the ankle? Really?
6. The 8 inches above the ankle shoe
This just may be the worst height of shoe to wear for your purposes. You are trying waaay to hard. Also, it is just kind of ugly. And sad. You are telling the world that there is something wrong with you. And you are telling the truth.
7. The 12 inches plus shoe
Now here is where the data becomes surprising. Once you pass the 12 inch mark, the chances of you getting swept off your feet actually increases. I know, I don’t understand it either. From what we have gathered, not only does your chance of getting laid increase, so does your chance of meeting the one. Can this be true? I keep going over and over the data, and yes, it appears that it is true. So go for it, buy the big-ass sandals and wear them every chance you get. Your future happiness depends on it.
Now, this is a lot of scientific data to lay on you all at once, I know. That’s why I made this convenient little graph to help you digest it all. Enjoy!
