27th
Dear Oprah, Re: Your Weight
Despite my best efforts to keep my reading and media consumption tightly pidgeonholed, I somehow read that you recently regained some weight and were back towards 200 Lbs.
Don’t worry, it happens. I’ve lost weight, felt great, and then gained some it back again a few times. Not the end of the world. You’re an American!
That being said, over the holidays I picked up one of my wife’s magazines, which had a helpful infographic explaining the diet advice you’re getting from Bob Greene.
Quelle Horror!
Sample day’s worth of meals:
Breakfast:
Half a whole wheat bagel with fat-free creamcheese and some pear slices
Lunch:
Some taboulleh, or maybe a wrap with chicken and lettuce
Dinner:
Fish (I forget what, exactly).
Lady, you are never going to lose weight and keep it off this way. Who can live off this? For one thing, there’s a lot of carb in there. Don’t be misled by a “whole wheat” bagel. Whole wheat is another way of saying wheat, which is a grain, which is all carb. You’ll never feel hungry or satisfied on a breakfast like this, nor is it particularly good for you. Same with the lunch. Taboulleh, a wrap? Carb, carb, carb.
Let me help you. It’s not that hard.
For breakfast we’ll have eggs, bacon and some steamed broccoli with hot sauce.
For lunch we’ll have a big sizzling plate of chicken over lettuce from the Halal stand around the corner of my office.
And for dinner, I’ll make you a heaping plate of greens (your choice: I prefer beet greens, but you may be a kale lady, or perhaps collards). It’ll be a huge satisfying portion, alongside one or two pork chops and maybe even some diced and fried sweet potatoes.
Trust me. It’s all delicious, satisfying, filling, and you won’t feel hungry 30 min. later. Plus, you can eat as much as you want of this stuff, and you won’t gain wait — thyroid problem notwithstanding. You’ll be way happier eating this than that disgusting half a whole wheat bagel and the lactose-heavy lo-fat cream cheese (think about it, take out the fat and what are you left with? You’re a smart lady).
Oh, and exercise. You’re killing yourself with your obsessive treadmilling. For one thing, at 200 lbs that’s too much pounding of the joints. Second of all, treamills are motonous. The world isn’t monotonous though! The world is random and boring, repetitive exercises won’t make your body firt for the world. Can you imagine a caveman on a treadmill? LOL!
Throw some rocks around (or medicine balls). Try jumping up onto a low balance been and see if you can stick the landing. The process of forcing yourself to balance is great to work your micro-muscles. After 25 minutes of variable, weight-and-balance-based exercises, you’re all set. Go back in two or three days. None of this everyday stuff. Remember, your biggest enemy is burnout, which you’ll nevr avoid if your lifestyle is miserable.
Got it? I think you do. Email me: jnathan@gmail.com and I’ll fly to Chicago. Give me 1 month and I swear you’ll never go back to the low-fat/treadmill lifestyle that’s failed millions of women like yourself.
Best
Joe Weisenthal (My wife likes you).
