Joseph Weisenthal

25 Things Every Man Should Be Able To Do

I really, really hate “50 things a man should be able to do” lists, and the latest one I’ve seen, which was posted at First Things is no exception.

Part of it, I admit, is that I can’t do any of these things. Well, I can do like 5. So either I’m totally inadequate as a man (possible) or the list is pointless.

It’s also annoying, because you figure that people who make these lists construct them in such a way that they can do all 50. Magic! Even on the First Things list, the author notes upfront that he did not include “know how to tie a bowtie,” which I’m guessing means he doesn’t know how to tie a bowtie.

Of course, I have my own ideas about what every man should be able to do. Of course I do. But I couldn’t think of 50 because really, no man in the world needs to know how to do 50 effin’ things! Not in this day of hyperspecialization, at least. To be honest, the average man probably needs to know how to do 3 or 4 things (tops!), but that’d be a pretty boring list.

So here’s 25 things, and I think it’s defensible as any other list out there. Seriously.

1. Know a few words in French, Spanish, and German, and know how to lightly sprinkle them into your speaking writing in a way that’s interesting, but not pretentious.
2. Know the Latin name for at least a few common fallacies (E.G: The post hoc ergo propter hoc fallacy)
3. Know how to play the chords C Major, F Major, F Minor, and G Major on the guitar or piano.
4. Be able to figure out how to play any song using said four chords (seriously, it’s possible in like 99% of all songs).
5. Be able to quickly learn any basic online publishing CMS.
6. Know at least 5 moves of theory in a few basic chess openings (The Ruy Lopez, The Sicilian [Dragon and Najdorf variations], and the Queens gambit [declined and accepted!])
7. Once the opening is done, know some VERY basic chess theory (trade off your bishops in closed games, your knights in open games, dominate the center, don’t let your opponent have a passed pawn, protect your king, and get your rooks onto open files).
8. Know how to multiply any 2-digit number by 11.
9. Instantly be able to say whether a number is a multiple of 3.
10. Instantly be able to say whether a number is a multiple of 9.
11. Be able to count to 700 by 7s in no more than twice the time it would take you to count to 100 by 1s.
12. Know how to tie a tie using a YouTube instructional video.
13. Have at least one poem memorized, even if it’s just the old classic “Carnation milk is the best in the land; Here I sit with a can in my hand. No tits to pull, no hay to pitch, You just punch a hole in the son of a bitch.”
14. Be able to come up with — regardless of the economy — a plausible scenario for a recession in the next 6 months.
15. Be able to come up with — again, regardless of the current situation — a plausible optimistic economic scenario in the next year.
16. Be able to learn about an issue and form an opinion on it within 5 minutes.
17. Feel comfortable changing one’s mind at any moment, without feeling embarrassed or self-conscious.
18. Eat exotic animal innards without a moment of hesitation.
19. Withstand really spicy food.
20. Be able to skip dessert while everyone is clearly enjoying themselves around you.
21. Be able to go for at least two weeks, with just 5 hours of sleep each night.
22. Enjoy sitting through religious services, even when they’re not of your own faith.
23. Know a few obscure facts about every state/major city in America, so that you have something to say when you meet people from said places.
24. Know a little bit about Austrian and Keynesian business cycle theory. Just a little.
25. Be able to cook steak & eggs and get the timing roughly right.

The Problem With Cosmotarians

My friend Greg Newburn, one of the funniest people I know, has a really good post on his blog regarding “cosmotarians,” or libertarians who make a big point of being “citizens of the world” detached from base, low-class inclinations like “patriotism,” “country,” or whatnot.

The inciting incident actually took place a couple of weeks ago, after the US lost to Ghana in the world cup, and the somewhat well-known libertarian Gary Leff Tweeted: “Just don’t get tribalism. Why should I get excited about #usa goals?”

The message: You idiots with your patriotic tendencies… it’s so irrational of you to care about what Team USA does.

Here’s Newburn

I simply don’t believe Leff doesn’t “get” why Americans would cheer for the U.S., Ghanaians for Ghana, etc. I’m sure Leff wishes he embodied the mechanical rationality that would completely eschew even the most benign loyalty to one’s country. But he doesn’t, because no one does. Not even Will Wilkinson, and he hates America. There’s a reason our Spanish brothers are gathered in huge squares to watch today’s final, and there’s a reason they’re not rooting for the Netherlands. I can’t explain the visceral loyalty to one’s country, but to pretend you don’t understand that such loyalty exists, or that it’s completely mind-boggling in every context, is simply ridiculous.

This is the key point, and it represents a real failing on the part of most libertarians. In their attempt to embody “homo economicus” or “rational man” to the ultimate degree, they’ll absurdly deny obvious things like: We care more about our countrymates than we do others… we care more about our neighbors than we do people in the neighboring town, etc.

Sure, there’s an elemant of “irrationality” to care about what Landon Danovan is doing thousands of miles away. Technically it doesn’t effect me. But somehow it does, and to deny that, or to try to “logic it away” is silly, and ultimately undermining.

Whoa, when’d they get rid of Tumblarity?

So what’s up.